I just don't think you understand

Warning. This is not a positive post. Its the 29th and Christmas decorations are put away. This is the earliest I have ever put away Christmas. Well away in boxes in my living room, that counts for something right? I can't actually lift them or the tree because every time I lift something my abs hurt. I guess this is a pregnancy side effect I don't remember from Samson. So whenever someone comes over I have them carry my laundry upstairs or the vacuum. Weird huh? Welcome to my home please carry this into my messy living quarters, also could you close your eyes so as not to see all the laundry and toys everywhere? K Thanks. Normally I love Christmas and keep it up as long as possible. I think this year I just want time to go by faster. I hate feeling that way. I want to appreciate every moment and day with my family and my pregnancy but I just can't keep this anxiety at bay. I got diagnosed with ppd in the form of anxiety and I am like 99% sure it is tied into my hormones because when I am breastfeeding or pregnant it really roars its ugly little head. And I used to just take that little happy pill but not when I am pregnant. Not too mention Casey's back isn't getting better. It just isn't. I just cry about it which I am sure solves absolutely nothing but hey I can cry if I want to, I am pregnant. When people say oh I have back problems etc. I can't do x y and z. I just don't think you understand. I just don't think you understand that if he picks up Samson he limps for two days. I just don't think you understand that if we go the grocery store on a Saturday he can't go to church on Sunday because he is in too much pain. Or everyday after work he can't move. He has to prioritize everything. My husband is not a wimp. He has done a lot of things in his life and not one of them is "wimpy." When he got a migrane a few weeks ago I basically had a breakdown because now he can't even sit up and keep an eye on Samson so I can get ready for work. I am not even going to get into the elephant in the room that is my husbands granny.  I don't want to dishonor her and talk about her on the internet. Plus honestly you just wouldn't get it. You have to really know her, like live with her, to get her. I think all people should have to take care of an elderly person one time in their life. I have done two. Its good for you. LOL! Hopefully she will be in a home soon or I am moving to a hotel room in my in-laws house. I have given enough and can't give anymore. I have a job, I am growing a baby in my tummy and I have a toddler. I haven't enough energy to go around. Plus I am only supposed to have one cup of coffee a day. ONE CUP! My new years resolution is to stop saying yes.  I think too highly of myself. I think I can do more than I really can. No, honestly I did pray about this decision. I followed where God was leading my heart. I thought God was leading me to stay here and care for Granny. I think I still do. Lesson in humility, forgiveness, patience maybe? Not quite sure. Maybe after its all over it will be clear. I am pretty new to this whole praying for guidance thing. Do I need more faith in Gods plan?

Baby Girl Names...

Casey and I found out on Sunday that we are having a baby girl. I am a little nervous because I feel like I know boys but also excited! Casey and I looked through the baby name book and  we like a lot more girl names than we liked boy names. With Samson we couldn't decide on anything so the first thing we both liked we went with. With baby girl there are so many we like. At first we wanted to only do bible names but then we feel like when we have a third baby we have to stick to that and only do bible names. That is the same thing with choosing another "S" name, would we have to stick to the "S" names?

 I don't know if we like enough "S" names.... HA HA! 

These are some names in the running for baby girl:

1.     Analiese

2.     Carolyn or Caroline

3.     Audrey

4.     Holly

5.     Claire

6.     Hannah

7.     Shelby

8.     Leslie

9.     Miriam

10.  Ruth (Ruthie when she is little)

11.  Sadie

12.  Shelley

13.  Adaliene

14. Annabelle  (Oops...sorry Steph, almost copied you.)

15. Brooke

16. Carleen

17.  Corabelle

18.  Leanne

19. Marabel

20. Marianne

21. Mirabel

22.  Caitlin

23. Rachel

The list

Lately I have had a pretty long and stressful list. You know like when you were in college and you have three papers due in the same week? Only my papers keep getting extended and new topics keep getting added. (I do like doing a lot of the things on the list) Here was my list:
-take care of Granny
-take care of Casey
-take care of Heidi
-take care of Cooper
-finish buying house
-various work projects that all end on the 17th
-take over finances for Moms group
-keep the house somewhat clean
-take care of myself because well you know I AM PREGNANT and hungry ALL THE TIME.
-some decisions that I have to make for our future
-some doctrine questions I have been having (specifically head coverings at church ( I don't think hair counts.) , modesty in every sense of the word(currently getting rid of all things that have logos all over them, and some other commandments regarding entertainment..I have a hard time being against legalism. I don't think following rules gets you anywhere vertically but I feel like if you are saved and you love God you want to please him. Just my two cents...) ))))) and some other thoughts.

My list has changed... We had to put my Heidi dog down. She had a flare up. The steroids weren't enough to keep her well. She got two massive blisters on both elbows and after the scabs fell off there was just bone. The vet said there was nothing we could do once the bone showed because of bone infection. So it was just a matter of time. We loved on her for a few weeks and gave her lots of yummy food. Saturday, November 5th was the last day she could walk by herself and by Sunday she wouldn't even eat bacon. It was time to let her go. We drove her to the emergency vet convinced them that she has the rarest auto immune skin disease known to veternary medicine, pemphigus and two types at that. Told them we had invested serious cash into her already not to mention her suffering. Said our good byes and Casey held her as she drifted to sleep. First they gave her a really sweet sedative and Casey noticed her breathing stop being labored so she must have been in serious pain. Then they gave her the heart stopping stuff. My poor little girl. She didn't even make it to four years old. I can't help but be envious of others with old dogs. Why poor little Heidi? We will never know. I miss her so and cry a little every night. Samson asks about her everyday. Heidi was his first word. Cooper has helped me some but its hard. In some ways it is a blessing she is gone. She was in so much pain, she smelled really bad towards the end and I was overwhelmed. The last few days she was being spoon fed cat food and water out of a sippy cup. It really made me think about how we are stewards over our animals and about how this is a biblical responsibility. About how in a sense we play god. We decide when they go and when they stay. We feed them and love them. Maybe this is Gods way of showing us his pain when he loses one of us? Well I am rambling. The next photo is what Casey and I believe was the last happiest day of her life. At a beach in Oregon she had just the best time. She played in the sand and dug holes...

The next day after we let Heidi go Granny went to the hospital. It was a strange day. I checked on her at 2pm and she was fine and then when I saw her about an hour later she was not fine. In the hospital it was decided she needs to go into a home for a few weeks to regain her strength. This is a blessing because when we move out she needs to be more self sufficient. This is also a blessing because I get to go visit my family next week without fear of her falling etc. While she was in the hospital her beloved cat died. Oh how I loved that cat. What a sweet loyal perfect old cat. I miss him too. I keep on looking in the kitchen for him. I guess he wanted to catch Heidi's Hurst on the way up. (I don't really think they go to heaven, I think their whole purpose is fulfilled here but it is a nice thought)

Casey should be getting a new doctor soon so hopefully more news on the back. :) Also finding out sex of baby on Saturday. :)) Pretty awesome stuff!!

What we have been up to...

So for starters we made a little baby. Yup! God has given me a baby again, I am pregnant. SO COOL! I don't have any feelings about if it is a boy or a girl but Casey is convinced its a boy again. Anyways this might me my last pregnancy if Casey's back isn't healed so I am really trying to appreciate every moment. Prayers for Casey's back so I can fill my car with babies. ha ha! I am currently 11 weeks along. I am not quite out of the miscarriage time yet and for some reason I am super paranoid about it. Everytime I get a cramp my heart skips a beat. Its awful to be so pessamistic sometimes. I need to be a joyous jasmin. Pregnancy also means I get to get fat! Woo Hoo!! I also get to research and shop. YES!

In addition to the making of the babies we have been busy bees lately. We went camping in Oregon a few weeks ago. We had so much fun! Finally used that DVD player in the car. I can't believe I used to judge parents for those things. I had issues. I know I am showing my bad parenting here but I turned Samson around forward facing for the trip. He is 18 months old and legally able to be forward facing but I am a pretty big believer in extended rear facing at least till the age of 2. Most accidents happen near to home right? ;) I needed him to be distracted and he couldn't watch the TV rear facing. Bad reason I know. I am such a hypocrite.  I turned him right back around when I got home. Whew.. no broken necks.  It was cold but we all cuddled and we were warm enough. We did as much walking as we could with Casey's back.

The next weekend we got a PUPPY! Now don't worry we still have little disabled Heidi. She is okay. Tired but alive.  Friday night I had a dream we bought a puppy from a guy on street out of a box. Saturday we are leaving Costco and sure enough there is a guy selling puppies out of a box. We had to look and this lead to buying one. We wanted Samson to have a dog that he could play with. He loves him. His name is Cooper. He is a fox/rat terrier mix. He is high energy but not aggressive. Heidi has a leaning towards agression. I would like to blame her disease but she has kind of always been a jerk.

 I also have been trying to get some scrapbooking done. I want to be all up to date when I have this baby. So I can do things on time this time. I just finished transfering all the files from my pcs to my mac. I love looking through all the old photos. :)

I got a new bathroom. And I think I needed it.

When I first moved in with my husbands granny I was terrified of the bathroom. I had this grand ole plan that my husband would fix it all up. Too bad the subfloor needed to be replaced...  I couldn't imagine living without a real shower much less a bathroom sink. The floors were disgusting and uncleannable.  Fast forward two years later I am living with and without and it really taught me something. We have so much more than we need. It really isn't that hard to not have a shower or a sink. I wash my hands/face and brush my teeth in the bathtub. Its not that big a deal. I stand in the bathtub and hose my self with the hand held sprayer.  We kept our feet on the linoleum and Samson doesn't go in the bathroom much. I knew that something had to be done soon and it had been promised for a while so I wasn't holding my breath. My granny was pretty much against all change even if she wasn't paying for it. So we compromised and she kept her tub and picked the color. So it happened. I got a new bathroom and it is so pretty and I have a real shower and I have storage. Its all I could ever ask for. I am sooo happy with it but also proud of myself for sticking through it. I figure humans have been without indoor plumbing for a long time so I was okay with bad indoor plumbing. Maybe some moms wouldn't live here but I know I did the right thing for my family. Sure I have been totally ashamed to have people over but you know what? That was dumb. I have way more things to be ashamed of than my ancient bathroom.  I have been able to only work part time because we cut costs by living here and I believe we have added years to Granny's lifespan. My husband and my sister in law lived in this house when they were Samson's age and they are just fine. I know we will be blessed for doing the right thing. So without further delay here are the before photos:

After:

No more plastic..

So it is no secret that we have debt. We have student loans, credit cards and a car loan. We have been rapidly paying off serious amounts of debt, although when we had Samson that 4000 medical bill set us back a bit. This paycheck we decided to try to use only cash for everything (except what is on autopay). I made a list of everything on autopay. Then I make a budget. Anything I will need to spend money on is on the list. I then label envelopes with the categories; groceries, eating out, haircuts, coffee, gifts, lunch money and gas money. I should add to that Casey and I get allowance every month which is how I buy makeup and needless shoes...  The cash envelope system is promoted by Dave Ramsey to decrease your spending. I have only been doing it for two days and it works. Casey and I celebrated our three year wedding anniversary by going out to sushi. So we went to the restaurant and we ordered less. We even substituted rice and miso sause for expensive sushi. We only got one roll each. How funny is that? Normally we spend way more but knowing we were on a budget helped. Then today after church we wanted churchs chicken and after I handed the guy the cash Casey and I were both like ouch. It maks me feel so secure knowing we have enough in the bank to pay the bills because I have already taken out the money. I feel in control. So how do you do your budget? Or do you just go with it?

Also I am going to try and make my mother in law  make me something similar to these ADORABLE etsy money envelopes.

Dear Samson

I really wanted to do this more but I better do one now that I am thinking about it. There might be typos because I was trying to rush so I could finish this before he wakes up.

Dear Samson,

you are almost 17 months old now. It makes me so sad and happy to see you grow up. The term would be bittersweet. I don't have a baby anymore. I switched out your bedding so you could have sheets and a comforter. You even have a pillow.  You walk around and you even say a few words. You understand so much and help me unload the dishwasher and put away legos. You have the largest appetite and you love everything. We took you to the sushi restaurant and you loved the seaweed salad. Daddy and I were so surprised! You probably eat a pb&j 6 days a week because you love them so much. You love the Samson speghetti that I make you which is just noodles and tomato soup.  I finished weaning you a few days ago and you were so coaperative. I just told you "all gone" and you nodded. Now you even sleep through the night. I am so proud of you. I do admit that I miss our little quality time at night. I am astonished at how perfect and sweet you are. You make us fear having another baby because we can't imagine getting this lucky twice. Everywhere we go we get tons of compliments especially on your hair. This weekend you and daddy are going to get haircuts at the salon. On Sunday we are going to dedicate you at our church and become members of our church. I am so excited to make that promise to raise you Christian and hope you love god as much as I do.  A few days ago we went to visit your aunt and cousins and when we left you cried and cried. I think it made your auntie feel good. You love your family. Even when you see my family you love them and you hardly ever see them. Last night I had a moms group and you were in the house and some music came on the tv and you did a little jig for all to see. Every morning you wake up and point downstairs. We go down and you run to Grannys room to see if she is awake and yes it makes me tear up everytime. Then you usually want a cup of milk or water to drink while I make some breakfast. For breakfast we usually have some eggs (you eat 2!) or some toast or groats. Then we play, read books and run around being "crazy baby" as your dad calls it. At around naptime you get a little fuss fuss and you point upstairs and you know its nap time. As much as I love you I LIVE for that naptime. I get to work out, shower or clean. When you wake up we might go for a walk or play in the backyard with Heidi dog. I try to get you outside air everyday because Oma says its healthy and I think it makes you sleep better. Then we go back in and play some more until dinner. Daddy comes home around 5:30. Once you hear that door click you run in the living room and then you follow dad upstairs where dad changes out of his work stuff. Dad used to carry you back down but now I have to go up and carry you down because of dads car accident. I hope you don't notice how much pain dad is in. His tries to hide when he is playing with you. Then we eat dinner together, maybe watch a little movie and its bed time. You have been a breeze to put to bed. I read you a few books esp. this history book "Olden Days" and I lay you down and rub your sweet hair till you fall asleep. No more crying. I am so happy you came to this on your own with out me having to do any sleep training. I couldn't make myself do that. Your nonni noticed you are such a secure little boy. I can leave you without any crying. We love you and can't wait to see you grow up.

Love,

Your momma.

My son is weaned...!

So my little baby has been weaned. Yesterday morning at around 5 am was his last session. I don't look back on that session with any fondness, I was just trying to get a few more hours of shut eye with the milks. I am so surprised how easy it was to get him off the milks. I just told him it was all gone and we moved on to a story. I think I might be the teeniest offended. HA HA! Like why isn't he more attached? I have heard all these horror stories about weaning and for me it was so easy.
Okay new topic... slowing down the nursing has made my hormones regulate and now my anxiety is totally gone. I am not on zoloft anymore. I feel great.. except my skin is not so great. I am working on that though.
Another new topic; I have been eating so much sugar. I can't stop. I am going to do a anti-sugar week. Not sure if I am going to cut white carbs too or just sweet sugar. I just know I need to stop. My mother in law did some antisugar thing and I am going to follow suit. I just have to get the details.

favorites...

So in the spirit of a friends post here are my favorite things...
1. My car. Period. I cried when it got hit in an accident because my husband said they would total it. ha ha! They didn't.

2. Citizens of Humanity Jeans!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE them. Pretty much all I wear. I even got maternity ones. Worth every penny, made in the United States, lots of washes... need I say more? Even celebrities love them... look...

3. Aveeno baby wash (or the identical counterpart Johnsons head to toe baby wash). I use this as a face wash. Takes off waterprof Dior mascara. No tears, same basic ingredients as purpose face wash but smells better and cheaper. Sometimes I branch out into the world of cleaners but I always come back to this.

4. Sephora lip stain, both colors. My lips have little natural color and this looks great. It is my base before any gloss so when the gloss goes I still have something going on.

5. Clinique Lash power mascara is great. Only comes off with warm water. Not the greatest volumizing mascara but a great natural look.

6. German chocolate:
Milka bars...

and Ritter Sport

7. Bounce dryer bar

8. iphone and my bible app.
9. Makeupalley.com  CHECK it out. Whenever I think to myself I need...blah. I look up what the highest reviewed, most bought, best value etc. Thats where I found out about the baby wash/face wash. A lot of cosmetics do nothing for your face or worse make it worse in the long run. While I don't have the greatest skin this is mostly because I am lazy and forget to wash my face and I use products. Plus my hormones are a wreck.

My little business...

So I thought I would share about my little side business or scam as my uncle likes to call it. I sell things on amazon.  I have a few shelves...(okay a lot) filled with "media". I sell movies, books and video games. I can't really share where I get my inventory because that is against the rules but I can show you how a typical ship day looks for me. My desk space:

That blue piece of cardstock is what I use when I need to take photos of an item I am selling on ebay. Like this Nintendo DS for example...pretty professional ay?

So first things first I make thank you cards to send with my shipments. I use the cheapest cardstock scraps from Michaels where I also use a coupon so its SOOO cheap. I don't have to do this but I get such good feedback so I think its worth it. Plus its fun! Sorry about getting a little excited with photos. I get a little carried away sometimes. 

 

 

 I always stamp "faith" on the back of all of them. I don't know why. I guess faith is important to me and I like to share whats important to me.

Then I put the thank you card with the  packing slip which I print from the amazon seller account along with the shipping label. I have a scale so I don't have to go to the post office. Thank god for that because gas is not cheap.

 Then I tape them all up and give them to my mailman.YAY! So fufilling!

 

These are other shipping days. 

I am going to post a photo of me smiling on every post because it makes me smile. :) My husband just asked if these were photos of our house. ha ha! Camera effects are so good he can't tell! ha ha!