Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Back Home

I recently went on a LONG trip out of town. It was a good time to get out because my anxiety due to my living situation was at a HIGH. I live in a place with a very tiny airport and it costs about 800 dollars to visit my Oma in southern California. So I just drove down with my lovely mother in law to San Jose where I visited my aunt and uncle for a few days. My uncle is a great man who I lived with from the ages of 15 to 18. He is serving in the prestigious position of being my sons grandfather since my Opa died in 2007. For this trip I made myself bring my fancy dancy camera and I took lots of photos.  After I got to San Jose I flew from the airport there to so cal and it was only like 90 bucks each way. ! Crazy right?!
While I was at my Omas I took a lots of photos of photos so I would have digital copies of photos. So this is me in high school...sophmore year...

Sophomore year was sort of a big year for me because I had just moved out of my Omas house and into my uncle and aunts house in San Jose. One of the reasons was because I was bullied. I am sure it was way worse in my head than in reality but in my head it was pretty bad. I ran into the girl when I was down south this past time and my grandmother was with me. She was really nice so it is nice to see some maturity. I still to this day have no idea why she disliked me so much. If you are reading this I really want to know! TELL ME! Also if it wouldn't have been for you being so mean to me I probably wouldn't have never moved and never graduated high school. ha ha! So I guess everything happens for a reason.

          Another crazy thing that happened when I was down south was I forgot my pills. Yes I take pills. I take happy pills. I hate that I take them. I take 50mg of Zoloft everyday. I am not depressed I just have serious anxiety and I have trouble turning off my head. 

I feel this constant pressure to do things and go over and over to do lists in my head. Sometimes I can't even sleep because I can stop thinking about how I have to mail something tomorrow or some silly question I have about something. So anyways I forgot my pills. twice. I forgot them at home and then when I got to San Jose I had the prescription filled there and then I forgot them again. I didn't take them for over a week and minus a few headaches felt totally fine. Then when I got home the low self esteem and anxiety thoughts came back. So I think I just had a surplus or something. I was so sad because I don't want to take pills and I don't want to be dependent on something like that. I feel like a drug addict. So I am going to do something about it. I am going to try journaling here more and exercising for real. No pansy walking for me. I also need to work on my self confidence. I think my anxiety is always me trying to make myself do more, be better etc. I need to just be me.

Here are photos from the train station:

 Here is a photo I sent to my lover... 


  1. I love seeing all your old pictures! Thanks for calling me lovely - it made me smile. You've got me as a cheerleader whatever your goals are, sweetie. You are beautiful to me, both inside and out. All the Zoloft jokes are sooooo funny! Love you!

  2. OH Jasmin! We have much in common! I grew up in abuse, and as a result have HUGE anxiety, especially social anxiety. It's getting better every year as I continue to fight it. Some days are just emotionally draining though, I feel your pain! Running has helped me though... A LOT. Anyhow, I thinking of ya, and here's a big 'ol cyber HUG!

  3. You are so sweet Bridge. Thanks for sharing! I aspire to be a little more like you. :)