Thursday, December 29, 2011

I just don't think you understand

Warning. This is not a positive post. Its the 29th and Christmas decorations are put away. This is the earliest I have ever put away Christmas. Well away in boxes in my living room, that counts for something right? I can't actually lift them or the tree because every time I lift something my abs hurt. I guess this is a pregnancy side effect I don't remember from Samson. So whenever someone comes over I have them carry my laundry upstairs or the vacuum. Weird huh? Welcome to my home please carry this into my messy living quarters, also could you close your eyes so as not to see all the laundry and toys everywhere? K Thanks. Normally I love Christmas and keep it up as long as possible. I think this year I just want time to go by faster. I hate feeling that way. I want to appreciate every moment and day with my family and my pregnancy but I just can't keep this anxiety at bay. I got diagnosed with ppd in the form of anxiety and I am like 99% sure it is tied into my hormones because when I am breastfeeding or pregnant it really roars its ugly little head. And I used to just take that little happy pill but not when I am pregnant. Not too mention Casey's back isn't getting better. It just isn't. I just cry about it which I am sure solves absolutely nothing but hey I can cry if I want to, I am pregnant. When people say oh I have back problems etc. I can't do x y and z. I just don't think you understand. I just don't think you understand that if he picks up Samson he limps for two days. I just don't think you understand that if we go the grocery store on a Saturday he can't go to church on Sunday because he is in too much pain. Or everyday after work he can't move. He has to prioritize everything. My husband is not a wimp. He has done a lot of things in his life and not one of them is "wimpy." When he got a migrane a few weeks ago I basically had a breakdown because now he can't even sit up and keep an eye on Samson so I can get ready for work. I am not even going to get into the elephant in the room that is my husbands granny.  I don't want to dishonor her and talk about her on the internet. Plus honestly you just wouldn't get it. You have to really know her, like live with her, to get her. I think all people should have to take care of an elderly person one time in their life. I have done two. Its good for you. LOL! Hopefully she will be in a home soon or I am moving to a hotel room in my in-laws house. I have given enough and can't give anymore. I have a job, I am growing a baby in my tummy and I have a toddler. I haven't enough energy to go around. Plus I am only supposed to have one cup of coffee a day. ONE CUP! My new years resolution is to stop saying yes.  I think too highly of myself. I think I can do more than I really can. No, honestly I did pray about this decision. I followed where God was leading my heart. I thought God was leading me to stay here and care for Granny. I think I still do. Lesson in humility, forgiveness, patience maybe? Not quite sure. Maybe after its all over it will be clear. I am pretty new to this whole praying for guidance thing. Do I need more faith in Gods plan?