Friday, June 24, 2011

Husband is home yay...

So operation zero zoloft hasn't been going too amazing. My husband got rearended a few days ago while at work and his back is all shot. I am worried about him because you always hear about people that get into one car wreck and then their back is all messed up for all time. I better listen to my wise father in law who told me never to borrow trouble. I should get that slogan tattooed on my arm. A stay at home mom might think oh how nice would it be to have my husband home all the time.. think again. I mean it would be great if he wasn't all gimped up but he is. He can't really help at all with anything which leaves me feeling frustrated. Then I get mad at myself for being frusterated because hello he just got in an auto accident. Then Samson gets into something he shouldn't and then I am mad at myself for not having that something up where it should be. SO then I am mad at myself for two things. Oh jeez. Being mad at myself is tiring and then I have to sit down and comprehend all the annoyances and then I don't do anything productive and then the cycle continues. ha ha!! Welcome to the mind of me.

In other news I worked out today!! YAY! I am SO out of shape. 20 hard minutes on the spinning bike and I am in pain. I am hoping I can exchange exercise for pills.. lets see how that works.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Back Home

I recently went on a LONG trip out of town. It was a good time to get out because my anxiety due to my living situation was at a HIGH. I live in a place with a very tiny airport and it costs about 800 dollars to visit my Oma in southern California. So I just drove down with my lovely mother in law to San Jose where I visited my aunt and uncle for a few days. My uncle is a great man who I lived with from the ages of 15 to 18. He is serving in the prestigious position of being my sons grandfather since my Opa died in 2007. For this trip I made myself bring my fancy dancy camera and I took lots of photos.  After I got to San Jose I flew from the airport there to so cal and it was only like 90 bucks each way. ! Crazy right?!
While I was at my Omas I took a lots of photos of photos so I would have digital copies of photos. So this is me in high school...sophmore year...

Sophomore year was sort of a big year for me because I had just moved out of my Omas house and into my uncle and aunts house in San Jose. One of the reasons was because I was bullied. I am sure it was way worse in my head than in reality but in my head it was pretty bad. I ran into the girl when I was down south this past time and my grandmother was with me. She was really nice so it is nice to see some maturity. I still to this day have no idea why she disliked me so much. If you are reading this I really want to know! TELL ME! Also if it wouldn't have been for you being so mean to me I probably wouldn't have never moved and never graduated high school. ha ha! So I guess everything happens for a reason.

          Another crazy thing that happened when I was down south was I forgot my pills. Yes I take pills. I take happy pills. I hate that I take them. I take 50mg of Zoloft everyday. I am not depressed I just have serious anxiety and I have trouble turning off my head. 

I feel this constant pressure to do things and go over and over to do lists in my head. Sometimes I can't even sleep because I can stop thinking about how I have to mail something tomorrow or some silly question I have about something. So anyways I forgot my pills. twice. I forgot them at home and then when I got to San Jose I had the prescription filled there and then I forgot them again. I didn't take them for over a week and minus a few headaches felt totally fine. Then when I got home the low self esteem and anxiety thoughts came back. So I think I just had a surplus or something. I was so sad because I don't want to take pills and I don't want to be dependent on something like that. I feel like a drug addict. So I am going to do something about it. I am going to try journaling here more and exercising for real. No pansy walking for me. I also need to work on my self confidence. I think my anxiety is always me trying to make myself do more, be better etc. I need to just be me.

Here are photos from the train station:

 Here is a photo I sent to my lover...