Thursday, December 29, 2011

I just don't think you understand

Warning. This is not a positive post. Its the 29th and Christmas decorations are put away. This is the earliest I have ever put away Christmas. Well away in boxes in my living room, that counts for something right? I can't actually lift them or the tree because every time I lift something my abs hurt. I guess this is a pregnancy side effect I don't remember from Samson. So whenever someone comes over I have them carry my laundry upstairs or the vacuum. Weird huh? Welcome to my home please carry this into my messy living quarters, also could you close your eyes so as not to see all the laundry and toys everywhere? K Thanks. Normally I love Christmas and keep it up as long as possible. I think this year I just want time to go by faster. I hate feeling that way. I want to appreciate every moment and day with my family and my pregnancy but I just can't keep this anxiety at bay. I got diagnosed with ppd in the form of anxiety and I am like 99% sure it is tied into my hormones because when I am breastfeeding or pregnant it really roars its ugly little head. And I used to just take that little happy pill but not when I am pregnant. Not too mention Casey's back isn't getting better. It just isn't. I just cry about it which I am sure solves absolutely nothing but hey I can cry if I want to, I am pregnant. When people say oh I have back problems etc. I can't do x y and z. I just don't think you understand. I just don't think you understand that if he picks up Samson he limps for two days. I just don't think you understand that if we go the grocery store on a Saturday he can't go to church on Sunday because he is in too much pain. Or everyday after work he can't move. He has to prioritize everything. My husband is not a wimp. He has done a lot of things in his life and not one of them is "wimpy." When he got a migrane a few weeks ago I basically had a breakdown because now he can't even sit up and keep an eye on Samson so I can get ready for work. I am not even going to get into the elephant in the room that is my husbands granny.  I don't want to dishonor her and talk about her on the internet. Plus honestly you just wouldn't get it. You have to really know her, like live with her, to get her. I think all people should have to take care of an elderly person one time in their life. I have done two. Its good for you. LOL! Hopefully she will be in a home soon or I am moving to a hotel room in my in-laws house. I have given enough and can't give anymore. I have a job, I am growing a baby in my tummy and I have a toddler. I haven't enough energy to go around. Plus I am only supposed to have one cup of coffee a day. ONE CUP! My new years resolution is to stop saying yes.  I think too highly of myself. I think I can do more than I really can. No, honestly I did pray about this decision. I followed where God was leading my heart. I thought God was leading me to stay here and care for Granny. I think I still do. Lesson in humility, forgiveness, patience maybe? Not quite sure. Maybe after its all over it will be clear. I am pretty new to this whole praying for guidance thing. Do I need more faith in Gods plan?

4 comments:

  1. Thanks for your honest sharing. Hang in there girl!

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  2. Jasmin, some answers don't come right away. You are doing exactly what you should. What you are doing is hard! You are blessed for your goodness & I think you will see that soon.

    Your poor hubby. Will he have surgery? Back problems really are the worst.

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  3. I'm sorry Jasmin! I'll keep you in my prayers. Being prego with kids is hard enough without all of those extras. My hubs was in a motorcycle accident and nearly died a few years back, and his back was really beat up in the whole thing. He could barely move at all for a year, and even now there are days he can barely move if he does too much. I think it really is one of those things that people don't understand until they experience it. Back pain affects every part of your body really. Your poor hubs! I hope it gets better soon. *Hugs and love* headed your way! I hope things start to look up!

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  4. Jasmine. I can totally relate. To the pain and to the mental issues as well(lol). I don't even drink coffee, so that tells you where I am at. The thing is that, ultimately, God is totally and completely in love with the both of you. He wants to bless you with everything you need. Even if that is patience, or more wisdom about when to say "no". He has been showing me lately just how much he wants to shower us with comfort and compassion. I know it sounds trite, but just keep waiting on him. I love you and hope that everything goes up from here. I will pray blessings and healing on the both of you. xoxo

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