Husband is home yay...

So operation zero zoloft hasn't been going too amazing. My husband got rearended a few days ago while at work and his back is all shot. I am worried about him because you always hear about people that get into one car wreck and then their back is all messed up for all time. I better listen to my wise father in law who told me never to borrow trouble. I should get that slogan tattooed on my arm. A stay at home mom might think oh how nice would it be to have my husband home all the time.. think again. I mean it would be great if he wasn't all gimped up but he is. He can't really help at all with anything which leaves me feeling frustrated. Then I get mad at myself for being frusterated because hello he just got in an auto accident. Then Samson gets into something he shouldn't and then I am mad at myself for not having that something up where it should be. SO then I am mad at myself for two things. Oh jeez. Being mad at myself is tiring and then I have to sit down and comprehend all the annoyances and then I don't do anything productive and then the cycle continues. ha ha!! Welcome to the mind of me.

In other news I worked out today!! YAY! I am SO out of shape. 20 hard minutes on the spinning bike and I am in pain. I am hoping I can exchange exercise for pills.. lets see how that works.

Back Home

I recently went on a LONG trip out of town. It was a good time to get out because my anxiety due to my living situation was at a HIGH. I live in a place with a very tiny airport and it costs about 800 dollars to visit my Oma in southern California. So I just drove down with my lovely mother in law to San Jose where I visited my aunt and uncle for a few days. My uncle is a great man who I lived with from the ages of 15 to 18. He is serving in the prestigious position of being my sons grandfather since my Opa died in 2007. For this trip I made myself bring my fancy dancy camera and I took lots of photos.  After I got to San Jose I flew from the airport there to so cal and it was only like 90 bucks each way. ! Crazy right?!

While I was at my Omas I took a lots of photos of photos so I would have digital copies of photos. So this is me in high school...sophmore year...

Sophomore year was sort of a big year for me because I had just moved out of my Omas house and into my uncle and aunts house in San Jose. One of the reasons was because I was bullied. I am sure it was way worse in my head than in reality but in my head it was pretty bad. I ran into the girl when I was down south this past time and my grandmother was with me. She was really nice so it is nice to see some maturity. I still to this day have no idea why she disliked me so much. If you are reading this I really want to know! TELL ME! Also if it wouldn't have been for you being so mean to me I probably wouldn't have never moved and never graduated high school. ha ha! So I guess everything happens for a reason.

          Another crazy thing that happened when I was down south was I forgot my pills. Yes I take pills. I take happy pills. I hate that I take them. I take 50mg of Zoloft everyday. I am not depressed I just have serious anxiety and I have trouble turning off my head. 

I feel this constant pressure to do things and go over and over to do lists in my head. Sometimes I can't even sleep because I can stop thinking about how I have to mail something tomorrow or some silly question I have about something. So anyways I forgot my pills. twice. I forgot them at home and then when I got to San Jose I had the prescription filled there and then I forgot them again. I didn't take them for over a week and minus a few headaches felt totally fine. Then when I got home the low self esteem and anxiety thoughts came back. So I think I just had a surplus or something. I was so sad because I don't want to take pills and I don't want to be dependent on something like that. I feel like a drug addict. So I am going to do something about it. I am going to try journaling here more and exercising for real. No pansy walking for me. I also need to work on my self confidence. I think my anxiety is always me trying to make myself do more, be better etc. I need to just be me.

Here are photos from the train station:

 Here is a photo I sent to my lover... 

Looking forward...

I love to look forward to things. 

Here are a few things I am looking forward to:

1. sleeping through the night

2. weaning my son

3. being debt free

4. moving into our house down the street

5. my son telling me he loves me

6.  this bag coming back into stock.  (it is a camera bag for my sony a290)

7. Getting a bathroom upstairs and getting our downstairs bathroom remodeled. My downstairs bathroom needs serious amounts of help. I am embarrassed to have people over, I don't have a shower or a sink. Just a toilet and a claw foot tub. 

8. dedicating my son at church and becoming official members of the Nazarene Church

9. having another baby

What are you looking forward to? Make a list. It will make you feel good. 

In other news I colored my hair... 

Also painted my nails a pale pink which I finally figured out how to do correctly and then used a Sharpie to draw a little heart on my ring finger. 

Because I had a good day...

Had a fantastic day today! We took Samson outside today to play in the hose. :) He LOVED it. We also planted our first Christmas tree. On our first Christmas as a married couple I was so excited to get a tree because growing up we didn't celebrate Christmas. (Jehovah's Witness) The day we were supposed to get the tree I got a kidney infection and couldn't go. On the way home from work Casey bought me one of those alive mini trees. We kept it ever since. I felt so bad as I was planting it because it was dying and the roots had overcome its little plastic pot. Now it it planted in our backyard.  I will probably trim it like a Christmas tree. ha ha! Hopefully I don't kill it. I have a BROWN thumb. Then we all went inside and took a nap. I am loving our Cali King for family naptime. Little S cuddles on Caseys arm. It is so sweet.
Then we headed over to the grocery outlet and got some great deals on a few things:

 Those blocks were only 13 dollars!! Sammy loves them.

 ORGANIC crackers. 99 cents!! I bought four boxes. (Have you noticed I am a slight food hoarder? I was raised SUPER poor which I think contributes.)

 Pretty sweet nutrition facts too!

 Hippy baby wipes were 1.87, not bad!

More contigo cups for 10!  How I love these things, these ones even LOCK. Sammy knows hot to use them so I can't keep iced tea in them but now I can. Bahahaha!

Oh ya almost forgot about birthday party! I went to a friends kids birthday party and took some cute photos that I played with on photoshop. 

Look at this:

 I want a baby girl so badly.

Couponing at winco...is it worth it?

I never used to use coupons at winco because they don't have an ad. I like to be prepared when I go into a store with the coupons all cut perfectly and in an envelope and a list with exact quantities. That was until I found this blog this lady does it all for me!! She can't guarantee the prices but at least it clues me in. I got a bunch of Oscar Myer hot dogs for 49 cents a pack and lunchables for 38 cents for my hubby. I also got free country time lemonade.  I also discovered these AMAZING treats:

They are soo yummy and only 100 calories per pack. (if you can stop after one pack..) Plus they had a coupon stuck to them so they were 60 cents for a box. !! Yes thats me. ha ha!

No news on my Heidi dog. Here is a photo of her:

Isn't she the sweetest thing? She is such a smart and loyal dog. I miss her so much. Can't wait to have her on Monday. I have been doing tons of research on her disease so I can take really good care of her and be a good momma. I am planning on cooking for her. So no more dog food only fresh food for my Heidi from now on.

God works through mayo

Yes, you heard me, god worked through mayo today. Let me explain...My little dog Heidi has been very sick lately. We have had her on three full courses of antibiotics and she has remained sick. She is just tired, won't play, won't go on walks and recently wouldn't eat. I really wanted to know what was wrong with her so we took her to a new vet only to find that she has autoimmune disease which is incurable. Auto immune disease is when the body fights itself. The dog/person will have outbreaks and the only thing you can do is give them medicine to weaken their immune system. She has been hospitalized for a few days now and I miss her so much. They started her on the medicine today and as long as she has a good reaction she will be home Monday. Its just so sad because she is only three years old. So I had a pretty lousy day. But God worked a little magic through some Mayo for me.
So I started couponing a few months ago and am really trying to be good and only buy things with coupons (besides meat and veggies) but we are almost out of Mayo. My hubby will only eat name brand mayo and I am not paying 5 dollars for Mayo. So I was just thinking man I need a deal on Mayo. And then one came!! 1.25 a jar!! YES! It just brightened my day enough. Thank you Lord. :)

How are you so skinny?

There I said it. I am skinny. I wear a size 4 (sometimes even a 2 and sometimes I even shop in the little girl section at Target) and I have a child. So shoot me. This will be my controversial post. I don't understand why curvy girls can be proud of being curvy but I can't be proud of my size.

Anyways I have been thinking a lot about why I have never really been overweight (besides during and after my pregnancy). I know some of it has to do with genetics but I am sure some of it has to do with what I do everyday and my normal habits.
1. I breastfeed. This helps a lot. I lost 70 pounds after I had my son. I got pregnant at 140 delivered at 199 and I am now at 130.
2. Except for an occasional glass of whole milk or a blended coffee drink I do not drink calories. It is a waste of calories. No juice and no soda with sugar.
3. I park far away from the door because I am horrible at parking. ha ha!
4. When I start to gain weight I don't reach for the loose jeans I squeeze into my small pair. This reminds me to watch my portions.
5. Every once in a while I do a few days of food journaling to make sure I am eating right. I use an app on my iphone but you can use a paper and pen.
6. I use small plates.
7. I only eat when I am hungry. This sounds simple but there have been times when I have eaten just because it is dinner time. Sometimes I am not even hungry I am just thirsty.
8. No seconds on carbs.
9. More veggies than carbs.
10. If I pig out at lunch I have a yogurt or a can of veggies for dinner.
11. I tighten my abs when I am driving.
12. I eat nothing "low fat" if I am going to have ice cream its going to be normal and all natural. I am convinced it keeps me fuller longer and meets my cravings for longer. 
12. I read the label ALWAYS and eat accordingly.
13. I hardly snack and when I do its a handful of cheerios, some fruit, a slice of cheese or some lunch meat.